Sin & Sorrow

[Vhiran Antilles]

"Screw the keys," Vhiran muttered, managing to steal enough moments between furious kissing and hurried gasps for air to sneak out a few words. "Corridor is fine."

He was out of it, he knew that. Not so out of it that he didn't know what was going on; just enough to understand it completely, and simply not care. It wasn't now any more: it was ten years ago. It was Vhiran and Emelie. Em and Vhi. No baggage. No drama. No hurt. Probably no memory of it by the morning either, part of him silently moved; but Sith happens, and now wasn't the time to dwell.

The instant Emelie's arms wrapped around his neck, Vhiran's hands headed elsewhere: one reaching down to hitch Emelie off the ground and wrap her around his waist; the other carving a path up her spine, threading it's way into her hair to make sure she didn't even think about trying to pull away. It wasn't as easy as it used to be; he was older, out of practice, and the dress she was wearing didn't leave much freedom for motion; the hand supporting her off the ground fumbled, trying to hitch the dress up enough to liberate her legs. It half worked, enough for a few minutes at least; but a disapproving grunt from the corridor beyond them distracted Vhiran for just a moment, sending the two staggering against the apartment door. Vhiran made eye contact with the bystander as they disappeared from view, head shaking. Right, this was a swanky place, wasn't it. Inside, then. Bollocks.

Taking advantage of the door for purchase, Vhiran hoisted Emelie's hands above her head, holding her wrists in place with one arm while the other fumbled through her clutch. Sleight of hand had always been more his thing; Emelie's job was always to stand there and look irresistible. Good job, love, he thought to himself, as his fingertips gripped hold of the plasticard and tugged it free. Top of your game, as always.

The instant the keycard made contact with the sensor, the door behind them vanished, sending them stumbling into the entryway of Emelie's penthouse. Struggling for balance, Vhiran managed to wrap an arm around Emelie's waist, diverting their momentum into a nearby dresser. Something shifted and toppled. Something else hit the ground and smashed. "I'll pay for that," he muttered, finally losing his patience with Emelie's fumbled efforts to unbutton his shirt. A few quick tugs and tears and his chest was exposed to the air, a deep-panting moment of pause taken before he pressed himself forward again, skin making contact with Emelie's by virtue of her plunging neckline.

His lips found the side of her neck, teasing a trail downwards that cascaded out across her shoulder. "We need to get you out a' this dress," he pointed out in a half-breath, fingertips tugging at the edge of the fabric, "Before I start doin' damage I can't afford to replace."

[Emelie Shadowstar]

This was beyond stupid, but it was just the kind of stupid that she needed. If she'd had half a mind to really stop and think about it she would have lead them straight to her room rather than the fumbling mess that was probably captured by a slew of her little cameras. No doubt the kids were watching he parade of inappropriateness all the way, watching popcorn and drinking beers. She'd hear about it sooner rather than later, or maybe it would just come in the form of a knowing half smile. Whatever, like they'd never done anything like this in their lives. Of course any concern about that was fleeting at best and ended as soon as her door shut behind them.

The mention of her dress barely registered between wayward kisses and her teeth grazing against his ear. Right. Clothing. Credits. No Ripping. While wealth was becoming less of an issue she certainly wasn't that damn rich yet where you could just afford to destroy nice things without reason. Not that there wasn't a perfectly good reason here, it just was more sensible to do things the right way.

Her hand fumbled at her side, searching for the zipper tucked between fabric and quickly tugged downward, freeing herself from the majority of the form fitting fabric.

Frak sake this was stupid. But they could worry about that in the morning.

* * *

Today

Needing to talk was never a good thing as far as life had revealed so far. Nothing good ever came of it and it was going to be a shame to ruin such a nice night but with how things had already started, Emelie figured it couldn't get much more awkward. Maybe. Here was to hoping, at least.

"You at least going to let me get a cup of caff before we go down this road, or do I need something stronger?"

That empty bottle on the floor was now mocking her. She was pretty sure that was the last of her personal reserves in the suite. That meant doing this sober.

"Frak..." Emelie groaned and ran a hand through her hair. "So. Where do we start? Where I bailed or where you never tried to stop me from doing so?"

[Vhiran Antilles]

Right. Because that's what she believed had happened, wasn't it? That she'd left, and he wasn't the one deserving of all the blame here. That was the kind of asshole he was: leaving her to believe that, never doing a thing to explain to her otherwise.

"That's not how it happened."

He could feel the implication of what was happening crushing around his midsection like a vice, clenched to the brink of implosion. Each word squeezed tighter; and each syllable made him wish harder and harder that he'd waited until he had some bloody pants on before he'd started talking about this. Too late for that now, though. Perhaps it was weirdly appropriate in a way. All his cards out on the table. Nowhere left to hide.

The ability to look at her faded away again; not out of worry for what he might do this time, but instead out of simple shame. It somehow made it easier, just barely, talking to the carpet as if he were alone in the room.

"I did it on purpose." He swallowed a lump of reluctance down his throat, fighting to keep the words coming. "The girl. The bar. You finding us. That wasn't an accident."

He wished he could shrink smaller somehow; make himself smaller and harder to notice, wishing he could evade the judgement and anger that must have been waiting for him in her gaze. He winced a little as he remembered that night: laying there next to Emelie, staring at the ceiling as he tried to wrestle with the truth; creeping out of their apartment and down to the local dive they frequented. He knew that she'd know that's where he'd gone. He knew that she'd follow, as soon as she noticed. It was just a matter of time: find some lass at the bar, chat her up; get her just the right amount of all over you for when Emelie walked in. And then all it took was a look, the right kind of falsified look of horror and guilt, and the damage was done.

She didn't yell. She never said that this was why she'd left. She needed space to be her own woman was all. After all, it wasn't like that sort of thing mattered; wasn't like there was something actually special between them. That's the lie that they both told each other. That's the lie that Vhiran knew had stopped being true for her.

"I knew how you felt back then," the admission continued. "So I -"

His eyes finally found hers. He wished they hadn't. The Maw opened up inside Vhiran's stomach, and he hoped it would hurry the hell up and get on with swallowing him whole.

"I pushed you away. Hurt you on purpose. And when you just kept goin'? It was too late to do anythin' except just watch you leave."

[Emelie Shadowstar]

"Oh." It echoed the tone she had used when she had first spoken to him the day prior; far colder than she wanted.

So he had known. It was surprising and yet not. She had barely been more than a kid back then in her head. Freshly minted past teenage years but still just as stupid. He wasn't the first person she had thought she loved. That had all happened right after they have shoved Vhiran out of Kalresh's because he was too old to stay, back when he had been forced to stop being there to keep her away from guys like Jimmy Valeck and Doctor Nyruu. The former dead because of her and the prior currently residing in some Imperial prison... also because of her. Again, she reminded herself. They hadn't been the real deal though, just the fancying of a young girl who was realizing she was pretty, adapting to the fact she actually apparently had some of those pheromones and other goodies from her mom's side, and didn't know better than to date an abusive fellow inmate and become the mistress of a young psych. Oops.

Looking back now she was pretty sure she hadn't a damned clue what a real relationship, what real feelings and all were supposed to mean. Not until that second time Vhiran had come into her life. She'd been so sure then but had become just old enough to realize she was still just some punk who didn't know kriff about all. So she'd told herself it wasn't real, that it was just infatuation or a crush. But the feeling never went away and she started thinking less about him as the guy I run jobs with and more the guy I think I could do this forever with. But then there'd been that girl and the bar and she just... somehow couldn't handle it all. Even if it had been a setup, she couldn't be mad at Vhiran. After all, she'd done the same later on with that cute artist guy on Zeltros who had the damn nerve to propose to her. And then there'd been her most recent fuck of of Xavier, another person she was sure she had cared for - even used the damn L-word with - and yet she had just vanished from his life at the drop of a hat. Okay, to be fair there was a decent amount of blaster fire and some giant gold armored asshole that had been there as well, but Emelie always knew she would be lying if they had been reasons so much as an excuse to let go.

The worst dawning realization was the fact that everyone she'd had a longer run with or actually thought things might be serious was someone that reminded her of Vhi in one way or another.

What a damn pair they were.

The past was the past though. Dwelling on it as often as she did was never a good thing. Still, she wanted to be angry at him for pushing her away... but if he hadn't, she wouldn't be where she was now. She wouldn't have had that run in with Xavier back when they really were just business acquaintances. She wouldn't have ever had Coruscant or Silenus as memories and she might not have even ever bothered to make contact with her family back on Zeltros. She certainly never would have pissed off some shadowy organization and ended up here. That was for damned sure. For better or worse, heartache or not, she owed him for what he had done in a way.

"You beat yourself up about it more than I ever will, you know?"

It was sad to see him look so down, worse still was she thought she could feel it somewhere in her gut. Always happened that way with large crowds or emotions that were big enough. Emelie would never call herself an empath, that was best left for the pinker folks in her family, but she picked up on things decent enough. Maybe that's why she had fallen for the scruffy man across the room in the first place. He could try and hide a great deal from her but she always saw the man underneath. Well, most of the time. Frak knew he was damn good at closing himself off when he wanted to be.

"We were both younger then, things were... different. I can hardly blame you for chasing off some..." Don't say 'lovesick' "Pining girl who would have messed up a good thing with her silliness."

[Vhiran Antilles]

No. No, no, no.

This wasn't right. This wasn't how it was supposed to go down. Emelie wasn't supposed to understand. Forgiveness wasn't supposed to be on the table. She sure as hell wasn't supposed to somehow find a way to imply that it was still her fault regardless. She was supposed to yell, supposed to punch him across the face, supposed to unleash a tirade of cutting words that shredded him to his very core. This... maturity? This acceptance? Emelie deserved better than forgiving him for this.

"No, but I -"

He caught himself before he finished the sentence. His chest cavity had been pried open, and the honesty that everyone was supposed to want, and that was supposed to be good for the soul was ready to just come flooding out. But should it? What he'd told her already, that should have been enough. That was enough truth that it should have placed the blame firmly where it belonged. Anything else, any attempt at explanation, or clarification would just descend into a whirlwind of excuses. He didn't want exoneration; didn't deserve it. He was trying to burn away her negative sentiments about them; not cleanse his own.

But then, did that matter? Did what he wanted really have any power in this? By holding back, by revealing only fractions of the truth, wasn't he just manipulating her in the exact same way, all over again? Emelie was smart; even smarter now than she always had been, from the look of things. She wasn't some misguided kid any more. Wasn't someone whose heart had latched onto the wrong person, who needed saving from her mistake. She deserved the whole truth; deserved the chance to decide everything for herself.

"You didn't."

The words came out shaky, lacking the firm certainty that Vhiran had hoped for.

"You wouldn't have. Messed up a good thing, I mean."

He looked down at his hands, watching them close into fists and then open, slowly, over and over. He stared down, wishing that there was some way to run things backwards; to touch her and have her just feel instead of relying on him to fumble out the words. He frowned at himself; steeled what courage he could; looked her square in the eyes.

"I knew how you felt, but you -"

A lump caught in his throat.

"You never knew how I did. I never told you; never had the balls to."

[Emelie Shadowstar]

Well if that wasn't a sucker punch to the stomach, Emelie wasn't sure what was. Her emotions - the honest ones that didn't involve a lot of yelling Yes in every language you knew how to use - were normally not something she freely expressed. Oh sure, anger was there sometimes and frustration a bunch, but for the most part she was always seen with a small smile that didn't quite register as happiness so much as ready to make mischief. She couldn't recall exactly when that had all started - probably had something to do with spending years not saying a word that had started when she was old enough to just have walking down. Emelie had been truly blank then, no one had really blamed her for it of course, but Vhiran had been the one to get her to change. The first sound she had made was laughter and it had only been for him.

She felt the unfamiliar twitch take place as she blinked in surprise, her default expression faltering for shock for the briefest of instances.

It wasn't like the damn guy was bleeding out an expression on undying love for her or anything, but for people who kept things pretty damn close to the chest it kinda felt that way. That didn't mean she was going to go running into his arms and all that. There were a lot of was and never did and used to that were being unspoken by the both of them and she was sure of that. Sure, you never really stopped entirely feeling something for someone who had made that sort of thing happen in the first place, but feelings changed and evolved. Especially after ten years of not even remotely saying hello to one another. There was more a lament for what could have been than what you currently didn't have and it made things nostalgic and painful all in the same moment.

Really could use that drink right now. Emelie had better manners than to start searching, though. Her silence wasn't exactly a kindness, however. Her usual demeanor fell back into place, but the smile that quirked the side of her lips held a bit more sadness to it than she was ready to admit.

"Kriff, we are just a couple of idiots aren't we? And here I thought I had you all figured out back then. Guess you can still surprise me, after all." It wasn't quite a lament, but there were hints.

[Vhiran Antilles]

So there it was: truths told, honesties spoken, and it felt - empty?

That wasn't the right word; but it certainly didn't feel the way that Vhiran had expected. He'd braced himself for rage and hate. Part of him had maybe hoped for the opposite the tiniest little bit: illicit imaginings of some fairy tale ending that just didn't make sense out here in the real world. He'd prepared himself to be kicked out the instant he finished speaking. Hell, he'd prepared for her to grab a holdout blaster from under her pillows and shoot him square in the chest.

But this? It was too little, and too late. The emotions that had been hot and vibrant all those years ago had cooled and solidified. The surface cracked a little here and there, a peek of sadness, a peek of regret poking through; but that was all. No big show. No explosive finale. It felt wrong to be disappointed, and yet part of him was. The truth was out there - and that, it seemed, was that.

"So what now?" he asked, finally breaking the long silence that fell between them. His eyes turned downwards, a lingering look taken at his state of undress, mouth shrugging off to one side as he scritched at the nape of his neck. "Aside from me findin' wherever the bloody hell me pants went, that is."

[Emelie Shadowstar]

"You could stick around."

The speed of which those words left her lips forced surprise in their wake. They came out too casual too, as if she was only stating the obvious. As if there wasn't some sort of weird tension still lingering in the air between them that seemed to beg for an explosive reaction that just wasn't coming.

She shrugged a shoulder to emphasize the point - as if that made it any better.

"I've got a good thing going here. Could always use more people I-" Emelie couldn't bring herself to say trust right then, "know. Could use a guy who knows how to get things."

It wasn't a lie, shockingly enough. She honestly could make use of someone with his skill set; had been meaning to acquire someone in truth. And now here one conveniently fell into place? It was probably a bad idea all fresh confessions still floating in the air, but Emelie wasn't one to turn down what might have been considered Fate or Will of the Galaxy and whatnot.

He could say no and she wouldn't argue with him, though. This was a shot in the dark offer. Maybe not a one-time deal, but certainly a limited time offer once he was gone again.

Yes, this felt more correct. Just a job offer, just her returning to her usual self.

Which was a problem.

Her teeth tugged at her lower lip as Emelie leaned to one side, letting her hand rest against the bed. While she hadn't exactly been making efforts at using the sheets to cover herself during their conversation, she certainly wasn't reaching for them now.

"And, truth be told, I wouldn't mind it personally, either."

[Vhiran Antilles]

He shouldn't. He was definitely sure of that. It was tempting, sure: with the way the galaxy was these days, a steady job for a guy like him was invaluable; and the opportunity to stay close, to try and undo at least a little of the damage he'd caused, seemed like a prospect too good to be true. And it probably was. In a week or so, they'd slip back into the same old habits, dragging each other down to the depths that they'd spend a decade crawling out of. It would be bad for her. It would be bad for him. It would be bad for anyone unfortunate enough to get caught in the blast radius -

Ah, bollocks.

The second she moved, the second that look graced it's way onto her face, Vhiran was doomed. No amount of logic, or wisdom, or better judgement could resist that. She knew it too; she must have realised how easily she'd been able to get whatever the hell she wanted out of him. Not that he minded, of course. Being the thing that Emelie Shadowstar wanted came with a whole arseload of great perks. Maybe more so now that she was all fancy and respectable. Women like that needed all kinds of dubious things as an outlet for their lives of faked propriety.

Hell with it, his subconscious decided, finally surrendering it's protests. They'd all known that this would happen. The moment he'd accepted the Eriadu job, he'd known deep down that he'd end up here. And he had accepted it. He'd come here. He'd kept going at every opportunity he'd had to turn back. And if all that had happened couldn't manage to throw enough of an obstacle between Vhiran's loins and hers, who the hell was he to argue with the blatant will of the cosmos.

With each step Vhiran advanced towards the bed, the grin tugging faintly at one corner of his mouth grew a little more. "You know me," he uttered, fingers wrapping around the bedsheets, tugging them towards him before depositing them unceremoniously on the floor. Not breaking eye contact with Emelie for a second, he reached out and teased her ankles apart, planting his elbows into the mattress between her knees. His grin was full force as he gazed up her body towards her, Emelie's eyes gazing back with the same knowing twinkle they always had. "Never miss an opportunity to suck up to the boss."