Snowblind

[s'Il]

Keeping at his side, the Lupine rode in silence.

She would not beg for such companionship; that was below her. As it was, if all that she was allowed was his friendship, than she would be as accepting of it as she could be.

They didn't have too much of a distance to cover, as they'd started their rounds at the furthest point away and worked their way slowly back through each sector. The base that the Rebels had built was suitable enough, and despite the nature of the planet's climate, she'd found the underground complex enjoyable to navigate.

They were nearing one of the yawning bay doors that remained open beneath a large rock outcropping when she spoke again. There was no pleading in her tone; instead it was a simple statement.

"You're all I have."

[Zem-El Vymes]

"If you keep thinking that way, then you will be correct."

I dismounted my tauntaun once we were within base.

"We've made close friends with people who share our vested interest. As a Jedi, I can't close myself off. You can't either. There is real danger in what you want, and what I want too. The Council set this edict for very good reasons. We can't forsake the ones we protect for each other. That isn't our way."

I paused, and turned away.

"Understand I'm not being aloof out of cruelty. I'm at the precipice of violating inviolate law. I need to know if there's justification in that hipocrisy."

[s'Il]

Handing the reigns to one of the handlers after she'd dismounted, s'Il stared at her master's back. For a few short moments her shoulders sagged and her eyes glinted with tender concern. He was always so dedicated to others that she had to wonder if he would ever allow himself something that he himself wanted.

Removing her gloves, she pulled her goggles off completely as she stepped past him.

"It's ok to be selfless," she said gently, turning around as she walked, "but it's also ok to be selfish sometimes too."

Her words weren't said out of resentment; instead they were easy and soft. Turning about on her heel so that she was walking forward once more - heading deeper into the base - s'Il reached a hand up to unzip the heavy coat she wore and did her best to shake any excess snow from herself.

[Zem-El Vymes]

I just watched her, unable to reply. As an afterthought, I removed my jacket, dusting my beard of ice and snow as I did.

"I think it's time for you to take the trials."

[s'Il]

She slowed to a stop, having pulled off her jacket. Her eyes went up to lock with his. The trials? She knew enough about them, and they made her nervous.

"The trials? Already?"

She made a face, reaching out to pluck a piece of ice that he'd missed from his beard.

"You're changing the subject," she offered weakly.

[Zem-El Vymes]

"Am I? You're treading into territory where I can't teach you. You're going to have to do, as I do, and you can't do that while still under my charge."

[s'Il]

She looked down, bringing in a long breath as she mulled over his words. Deep down she knew that he was right, but her mind still raced as she thought of it.

Her brow furrowed.

"When?"

[Zem-El Vymes]

"Tomorrow, if you're ready for it."

I sincerely believed she was. She had progressed so far since I'd begun to teach her.

[s'Il]

With her coat draped over an arm and her gloves and goggles in hand, s'Il kept pace with him as they went deeper into the rebel base.

Now it was her turn to remain silent, not exactly knowing how to respond to what he'd said. "Tomorrow is good," she eventually responded while running a free hand through her hair; in the time since being cut, it'd grown just past her shoulders. She mostly kept it pulled back, but more often than not let it down when out in the cold.

Rounding a corner, the Lupine reached her hand out rather unexpectedly, grabbing at his sleeve and pulling him to a stop with her.

She looked up at him.

"You've done nothing but give since all of this started. If you keep on like this, how much of yourself is there going to be left down the line if you don't recieve as well? The Jedi from before the Purge didn't have to deal with what you've shouldered, and if you ask me I'd think that that makes many of their old rules and edicts null and void. Things change, and we have to change as well if we're to be able to continue through all of this."

A pause.

"When we were on Schwartzweld, you once told me that what I saw was what I got.

"You never had to be anything more than who you are, for me."

[Zem-El Vymes]

"The purpose of giving is not to receive. It's never been about reciprocation."

I looked at her with a tired expression, and wormed out of my jacket.

"It was never supposed to be easy. Easy to practice, or easy to understand.

If you had it all to do over again all those years ago, would you?"

[s'Il]

"Of course I would."

Despite all of the hardships she'd endured, the Lupine would not change anything even if given the chance.

His look of exhaustion wasn't lost on her, and s'Il frowned.

"You say it isn't about reciprocation, but what you're doing is emptying you from the inside out. All that's left is going to be a husk of a man, and then you won't be able to help anyone.

"Why can't you just accept the fact that someone wants to give back?"

[Zem-El Vymes]

"Life is as beautiful as it can be ugly. You won't have to worry about me emptying out. I find renewal every day."

[s'Il]

Deflated, s'Il let her shoulders slump. In some strange way she felt defeated.

"I hope for your sake that you truly do."

For her, there was nothing left to say, and the Lupine turned to continue on in the direction they'd been heading. Her small quarters were near enough now, and without waiting for him to follow or answer in any way, she let her pace take her away from him.

[Zem-El Vymes]

"Wait."

I put a hand on her shoulder.

"I'm not shutting you out. You are a big part of that renewal, you know. You alone have empathy for my situation, and I hope that is the same for you as well. You're not only my student, you're my best friend."

[s'Il]

Without a word in answer, the Lupine stared first into his eyes, then her gaze traveled down to his hand. Her own hands came up to lift it from her shoulder and she rested the side of her face in his palm, her eyes tightly closed as she commited the feeling of his touch to her memory.

[General Dan]

"There you are."

Dan approached the embracing Jedi, his heavy parka unhooded. He had a rosy complexion as many did, thanks to the occasioned exposure to wind chapping and such. Still, he managed to keep his cool composure in spite of the arrangements.

"How were the sector patrols? Anything turn up?"

[s'Il]

an's appearance was impeccably ill-timed. With a sigh, s'Il released her hold on Zem though she didn't step away from him.

"It's the same as it was the day we first got here; white and cold."

Presently she did put distance between herself and her master.

"You picked a good planet to hide from the Empire on."

[General Dan]

"Yes I did." Dan agreed, aware that it was more of a complaint as to the hostile nature of the ice world than any appraisal of its tactical worth.

"Fortunately, it's given us the breathing room we need. We're nearly ready to mount our first offensive."

[s'Il]

His intrusion was taken with far more grace than when they had first joined with him. It seemed he had a knack for showing up at just the wrong times.

She blinked, quelling the feeling of annoyance that had flaired ever so briefly, and folded her hands together beneath the heavy coat draped over them.

"You say 'nearly'. When are you planning on executing this endeavor?"

[General Dan]

"I expect to link up with two other battalions and three other fleets within the day. Once we are joined, we'll make our first attack - at Kurilon. A day, two days tops."