Learning from Our Pasts (Lillian, Wei)

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay'Na hadn't left the Jedi grounds since her return from the medical center after her excursion with Brent Yagher, nearly three weeks ago.

She'd spent a great deal of time, in her quarters looking on the holonet for baby furniture and at long last finally ordered a crib and a few furnishings. It was a lot easier this way and everything would be delivered to the newly painted room.

It was time to start preparing for the little ones arrival, just another five weeks and she'd be a new mom. Something, she was looking very forward to.

I'm sorry, Miss Rakai. To have a child on your own without the surgery first, would be likely impossible. When you are older and decide it's time, we'll make arrangements."

The Padawan had been careless and never imagined that a Jedi could be drugged and taken advantage of. Nonetheless, it had happened and here she was carrying the child of a rapist.

But, Quay vowed that Aramis would never be told of his true conception as far as she was concerned, the father had died.

Even with her strength on the outside, Quay was still hurting inside. She kept her true feeings at bay.

The night had scarred her, to what extent...Quay didn't even know.

It had been a long day as Quay decided to go down to the Room of a Thousand Fountains and meditate for a bit. This was something she'd not done much of lately and she really needed to get back into it.

This Room was one of Quay's favorites, with the fountains and grass and waterfalls. She sat down on the edge of a fountain and ran her hand through the cool water and sighed deeply.

Her thoughts dwelled on Brent's next move, he wasn't about to forget what had happened in the B&G. She knew he was still out there, planning on some kind of revenge, but exactly what that was, who knew...

What would become of her and what about her unborn son?

[Lillian Snow]

A soft singing voice soon breaks the silence of the room, floating up over the sound of rushing water. The voice sounds like it belongs to a young girl, one who is singing a song that doesn't make any sense; at least not if this girl is alone.

"Good morning, good morning...it's great to stay up late, good morning..."

The Snow family sits on the floor on the opposite side of Quay's fountain. Lillian's son Titian has just woken up from a long nap, one that he needed if you asked her. The baby's squirming and rubbing his eyes, spluttering as he tries defiantly to cry in spite of his mother's soothing voice.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay'Na stood up as she heard the voice singing and looked over past the fountain she was at to see a young woman and a baby.

"I hope, I didn't disturb you, Miss." She apologized as she walked over and looked at the child. "You have a very adorable child."

[Lillian Snow]

"Not at all. He's just cranky because he went to sleep," Lillian answers. "And thank you."

Titian waves his hands and makes a blubbering sound, still torn between being upset and calming down. His mother giggles a little at him.

"Aw, poor boo bear. Be happy. Sleeping's not so bad, is it?"

Titian snatches big handfulls of her shirt and buries his face on her chest, quieting down, but defiantly remaining upset.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay'Na sat down on the edge of the fountain, for there was no way she could sit on the ground at this point.

"I'm Quay'Na Rakai," She said with a friendly smile. "And having that child, I would believe that you are...Lillian?"

She remembered talking to her master of another girl with a baby and Quay didn't know of any others at this moment, so she took a good guess this was her.

[Lillian Snow]

"Yes, I'm Lillian, and this is Titian. He's going to be a year old soon, isn't that right?" She beams back down at her son, who pokes his lip out and busies himself with looking at Quay'Na. Lillian sighs at him.

"He's a good baby, he really is, but he just refuses to go to sleep! Getting him to even take a nap is like fighting a war. And if I do get him to sleep, he wakes up screaming."

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"Oh my," Quay smiles down at the child. "I'm due in another five weeks, though I think I'm ready now. Pregnancy has it's ups and downs and unfortunately, I'm on a down note. It's been making my back hurt lately and I've already been in the hospital once. They say I may go in early, I hope not before I get my baby furniture though, that wouldn't be good."

[Lillian Snow]

"I didn't have to go into the hospital for a long while. I had a caretaker with me in my room for a while, but they moved me into the hospital once I had about a month left before Titian was due."

She looks at her little boy, who has for the most part calmed himself. The rushing water in the fountain has caught his eye, so she sits up on the edge of the fountain next to Quay, taking off Titian's shoes and socks and letting him sit with his feet in the clear water.

"I don't remember much about the actual birth," she says after a few moments. "I'm certain I must've been out of my mind or unconcious one. I remember feeling a bit of pain, then nurses came running, and the next thing I knew I was holding Titian. I was exhausted for days after."

In the meantime, Titian learns that he can stir the water with his feet, and splash if he kicks hard enough. He screams at the water, a cry of triumph and elation, and starts kicking up all the water he can.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"Having a child is a very scary subject for me. But, it's also a blessing in disguise, Aramis will be loved even though his conception wasn't at all the way it was supposed to be. I hear from my master that we have more in common than most in this region." It was a touchy subject, but perhaps if spoken to another that had suffered the same a new sense of direction could be attained.

[Lillian Snow]

Lillian squirms a little, looking down at her son with a pained expression.

"I...I suppose so," she admits after a long silence. She's not spoken to anyone about that for months. She's kept it bottled up, dealing with it through sparse sessions of meditation and constant, determinedly upbeat interaction with her son. "Ever since the...incident...I've been hoping sincerely that I'd be the only woman in the Order to suffer such a thing." She sighs. "I guess I hoped in vain. I'm so sorry to hear that, Quay'Na."

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay winced as she saw the hurt look, this wasn't wasy for either of them. "It's alright. I know what your feeling, I felt it too. I told no one after it happened, but my twin figured it out. My fiancee had no idea, but after I found out I was pregnant...I had tell him. He left me telling me that he couldn't bear the guilt and help raise this child."

Quay paused. "That is probably what hurt the most, maybe if I had told him in the beginning, but I couldn't bear too. I didn't want to remember it myself."

[Lillian Snow]

"I still have to tell my family, somehow," Lillian answers, scooting back from the water's edge as Titian tries to kick some at her. "I can't imagine how I'm going to do it. I don't want to call them, or send them a message through the net, but I think if I try to tell them in person I'll just die right there. And I'm worried that they'll hate my little boy. It's not his fault at all."

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"I know where you're coming from. I've yet to decide just when I will tell the rest of my family. My sister has sworn to secrecy for myself and my son. But, I know that she feels guilty for doing so and it's wrong of me to have to ask her to do such a thing."

Quay'Na sighed. "If it would be of any help, I would gladly be there with you, if you'd want me too. Being since we're kind of in the same boat on our situations. I could be your support groupy and you could be mine, that is...if you want."

Quay didn't want to over step her boundaries.

[Lillian Snow]

"Well...I appreciate it, but it would be a little awkward. They may get the wrong idea. Mom's been known to jump to conclusions, and my father and brother have a tendency to be suspicious of me. They always think I'm hiding something."

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"Sounds like a nice close knit family you have. That was how my adoptive mother was, always hounding me on what I was doing and how I should be doing this and not that. But, she was killed last year and well, I don't have to worry about that anymore."

[Lillian Snow]

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. My family's just very protective. I'm the baby of the family, and I've been very sickly since birth, so they try harder to look after me than other families."

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"Oh, I see." Quay answered as she watched the baby for a few moments.

"My life is not as stressful since my mother passed away or at least in that way. There's good stress and bad stress and my mom was definitely bad stress. But, I'm ready to be a mom now and I hope I'm a good one."

[Lillian Snow]

"My parents rarely stress me. They're so busy trying to keep me from stress usually, because of my sickness."

She can still remember the pains they went through to keep her out of trouble, and the horrible reactions when she did come under some form of stress.

"The last time I felt any sort of undue stress was the incident...oh, he couldn't have been happier to find out about it. It made his job so much easier..."

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"I know that feeling, I had a unexpected meeting with my attacker and he wants to take my baby away from me by claiming that I'm an unfit mother." The thought still made her shudder.

"He says he's got enough information on me to do and that I wouldn't be able to prove that he attacked me because I never reported it. But, Master Wei told me there was no way he'd ever let that happen."

[Lillian Snow]

"Master Wei is a good man. He and his family have taken care of me so many times. I hope that when Titian is older that Master Wei will train him. He'll be such a good influence for my little boy."