Mortal Gods: Hold Me When I'm Scared

When I'm Gone
Three Doors Down

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There's secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Maybe I'm just blind...

Maybe I'm just blind...

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything you need
I'll also be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

Love me when I'm gone...

When your education x-ray
Can not see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything you need
I'll also be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

Maybe I'm just blind...
Love me when I'm gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone

Lilaena De'Ville fiddled with the artifact on the desk in front of her. It was about the same size as a lightsaber handle, and covered with ancient Sith runes. It was also nearly impossible to decipher, due to the wear and tear on the engravings, and the natural diffculties with interpetations.

There had originally been a cortosis shell 'protecting' the entire piece, but it had long since flaked away. Underneath was a metal she couldn't classify, but she thought it was something someone else could help her with.

Or maybe it was just an excuse.

She'd pinged his comm over an hour ago. Xilarian hadn't said much to her since the night she'd nearly called him Pierce. Lilaena didn't want to think he was ...avoiding her, but it seemed that way. Her world was slowly spinning out of control, and she needed something to hold onto.

It was rare that she was actually honest with herself, and she wanted someone to run to. Someone who she could tell everything, and someone who wouldn't judge her. She had almost felt that with Silus, but then, of course, she'd made a mess of things. It was what she did best - messing things up. With Pierce it had become a delicate dance. Remember not to talk about what you do when you are not with him. They had not been able to handle their different lifestyles.

Silus was different. If only she could know if that was a good thing, or not.

It hadnt been long that he'd gathered the bare essentials from his apartment on Balmorra and moved into a vacant room in Bast Castle. It wasnt really what he considered his new home. Just a place to lay his head when he had to stay at Bast for any length of time.

For the greater part of the day, he sat back on his bed, staring at the door. After the last time he and De'Ville had been together, he couldnt bring himself to go back, no matter how badly he wanted. He'd come to grips with the fact that he had feelings for her, and now he was trying to protect those feelings. He'd been down this path before, and he had never fully recovered.

It had been a little over an hour since she'd paged him, and still he couldnt bring himself from his room. It got to the point that he couldnt stand it anymore, and in a moment of bravery, he stood and walked to the door, only to be overcome with doubt before he could even get to the door.

Now he paced around his room, stopping every once in awhile to walk out, but never making it farther than a step or two before sighing heavily and continueing to pace.

There was a knock at his door.

Silus' pacing was interupted by a knock at the door. His eyes went wide, and for a single solitary moment, his heart didnt beat. Through all the chaos in his mind right now, he couldnt even concentrate enough to sense who was behind the door, though his instincts were there to force the thought into his mind reguardless.

He stood for a few moments, staring at the door once again, til he could finally calm himself enough to think. He removed any emotion that could be read on his features, and slowly opened the door...

She was turning away from the door when it opened, and so swiveled on her heel to face it once more. Silus looked tired. "I...are you busy?" Lilaena was ready to turn on a credit and flee the scene, wondering why in Corellia's Nine Hells she'd come.

YES!!!!! YES.....YOU'RE BUSY! SLAM THE DOOR!

"Uh...no......I mean... .... Come on in.."

He didnt know what to say. He really didnt know what to do. He didnt even know what he wanted to do, so he gave up and stepped to the side to allow her to enter.

She slipped past him, her slight frame devoid of any extraeneous cloaks or heavy clothing. "I...I wondered if your comm was working. I tried to get in touch with your today." Lame. De'Ville, walk your butt out of this room. Instead she looked around at the furnishings, before looking back up at Silus, who was slowly closing the door.

"I wanted to show you something, but ...I left it in my study." She bit her lip, ready to smack herself for being so inane.

"Well lets go have a look.."

What the....who told you to say that?!. Silus managed to blurt his statement out in a moment of bravery, as his own subconscious thoughts struggled to regroup and regain prominence in his actions.

She looked at him, and then at the door, and then back at Silus, who seemed ready to bolt out and disappear in the catacombs under the buildings. The woman opened her mouth, and nothing came out, so she closed it again.

Lilaena shifted her stance a little, and looked at the floor a little wide eyed, as unbidden tears started welling up in her eyes. Slowly one formed in her left eye, and spilled out, streaking down her cheek.

He stood still for a moment, not sure what to do. As much as he told himself that he was right for leaving that night, somewhere down inside he thought that he should have let it go. Its like his heart and his mind we're both telling him to do two opposite things, and he wasnt sure which was telling him what.

His eyes followed the tear down her cheek. One arm reached out, and he layed a hand on her shoulder. The rest of him followed suit, as he pulled her to him.

His arms encircled her slim body, and she held onto him as though he were a lifeline, her hands clinging to him. Her face buried in his chest, the woman shook like a leaf as she tried to restrain her sobs. After the first tear had fallen, it was as if a dam had broken, and years of pain came flooding out.

There were no words...not yet. But her heart yearned to tell him everything, so that he would understand. For now it was all she could do to stand upright as she wept. Not caused by you...not by you, Silus. Lilaena clung to him, and cried.

Silus rubbed his hands over her back as he held her.

"Im sorry Lilaena..."

He couldnt think of any other words. Mentally, he kicked himself for what he'd done.

"Im so sorry.."

After a few moments she quieted down, but she didn't release her hold on him. "It is my own fault...I should have told you. But I was afraid."

It seemed slightly odd, that a woman with so much raw power and determination would be afraid of anything, but part of Lilaena was still that fourteen year old girl she had been once. Running scared from the only home she'd ever known, terrified that the man might find her. Will I have to tell him that as well? The thought made her blush with shame, but her face was hidden against him.

"It's ok....I shouldnt have left...."

Whatever it was that she had wanted to show him was pretty much forgotten at this point. He couldnt bring himself to let her go. For the past few days, he'd pretty much accepted that whatever was between himself and Lilaena was over. He'd been in that position before. Unlike the other though, Lilaena had come back. For that, he couldnt let go.

She sighed heavily, and looked up at him, at his jawline and the side of his face. "I never asked you about your past, and I do not want to know. It doesn't matter to me. But my past has already affected you, and so it is your right to know, if you want to hear it." Lilaena rested her head on his shoulder, the tip of her nose touching his neck.

He started to ask. Just as he tried to ask that night. The trouble was, he didnt know if he wanted to know. He stayed silent for now, as he slowly led her back toward the bed.

"You dont have to tell me until you're comfortable......"

"I will never be comfortable with it. So now is as good a time as any." They found the bed, and he sat, drawing her down with him. Lilaena curled up on his lap, her arms around his neck, as if he would disappear if she let go of him.

Silus shifted a little and layed down. It was almost as if he were trying to avoid the inevidable. He pulled her to him and nestled his head next to her.

She snuggled in next to his body, and breathed deeply, relaxing slowly. "I used to live in an orphanage. My parents died when I was seven years old, and I was sent to live at an orphanage on Coruscant, my home planet. State run, et cetera. Anyway, when I was about eleven..." Her voice faltered, and she paused for a moment. "When I was eleven, one of the men who worked there started to...visit me. He stole what was left of my childhood, and didn't leave me alone until I was fourteen. I ran away then, through the ventilation shafts, into the sewage lines, which took me deep into the planet.

"I met Darven there. He saved my life." She stopped for a moment, and listened to Silus' heart beating.

His heart rate sped up. His right hand clenched into a fist. He kept quiet while she talked, holding back his temper. When she stopped, Silus sat up. His eyes stayed fixed forward...

"go on.."