Without Honor or Humanity - 10.242

[Draiya Naaianeya]

Draiya lay quiet in the infirmary on a semi-elevated bed, eyes closed in deep repose. It would seem peaceful if not for the trappings of deep trauma she now wore. Her head was swaddled thick with bandages. Her jaw packed with a cool pouch similarly wrapped from the top of her head to the base of her throat. One arm lay across her chest, frozen in place by a cast.

If one looked closer, they could see the Syragori's eyes moving under peacefully-closed lids. Back and forth without end. Her fingers twitched, an echo of her subconscious. Inside the mind of Draiya Naaianeya, the war wasn't over.

...Abarai Loki stood poised against her with unflappable cool confident poise. She moved again and again. Faster, stronger. Each moment in time frozen and analyzed. Each miss could be corrected. She watched how he moved. Not just his speed but his intent and his technique. Abarai Loki was the bar which she would measure herself against. Each time found wanting. Maybe it wasn't him she was fighting at all.

Maybe Draiya Naaianeya fought Draiya Naaianeya.

Another loosed fist. Draiya's determined face moved just past as she always did. Always a little faster. Always a little stronger. The Syragori dug up the bottom of her insides to find one last handful of grit and resolve and win.

This wasn't a battle of disagreements. This wasn't a battle over points. This was survival. If she didn't rise above, and if she didn't improve...

...then who was she? Not a Jedi. Without honor. Without purpose. Without victory.

Focus. Faster. Stronger. Drive. Win. Win. Win. Win.

[Serena Laran]

Serena sat quietly at the bedside of her patched up padawan, waiting for her to wake up. They had much to talk about.

[Draiya Naaianeya]

Draiya felt warmth through her dreamscape. More than a feeling and beyond sight or sound yet occupying everything. More real than a dream. A familiar formless brilliance coalesced into her mind.

"...masterr..."

The Syragori felt impossibly small. She'd failed. Abarai Loki made clear the price of her failure and that truth burned like a branding iron into her heart.

Still somewhere between sleeping and waking, Draiya followed her senses, her right hand sliding to the edge of her bed, small hand open hopefully.

[Serena Laran]

Serena reached out and took the thirteen year old's hand, squeezing gently. "How do you feel, Draiya?"

[Draiya Naaianeya]

Physical warmth and touch to confirm everything she knew. Familiar words spoken.

Heavy eyes opened to stare at the ceiling. She was in the infirmary. Surprise slowly seeped into Draiya's features. Had it been that bad? The Syragori's head turned to where Serena sat.

How do you feel, Draiya?

Water grew beneath her eyes and her bottom lip trembled as she squeezed her eyes tight again.

"I'm sorrry..."

Her words of contrition heaved in her chest in a soft sob.

She had failed

[Serena Laran]

"And why are you sorry?" she asked softly. Draiya's face was starting to contort in the beginnings of a deep, sorrowful sob, and Serena rubbed her thumb across the top of the girl's hand. The emotions inside the padawan were deep and plentiful, hard to separate into categories. Shame was in there, for some reason.

[Draiya Naaianeya]

This was her confession. Draiya knew she had to confront her master with this. Not with water in her eyes like a child! She didn't want to leave Serena's warm embrace, but her hand found determination to part from the Jedi Master to blot out the weakness from her eyes with a swipe.

"I have failed the Jedi Orrderr. I have failed my masterr. I have failed myself."

Everything she had built upon and everything she had believed reduced to rubble at her feet. Draiya desperately searched for the first unblemished brick to begin again.

[Serena Laran]

"Because you were beaten by a much stronger opponent? A fully trained Jedi Knight? There is no failure there, Draiya." Serena kept her comments succinct, trying to draw out of the girl what she truly felt. She had heard Abarai's side of the story, and now she would hear Draiya's. "Why were you fighting Knight Loki, Draiya?"

[Draiya Naaianeya]

Draiya recited the mantra burned into her soul by Abarai.

"A Jedi must be as sharrp as theirr weapon. If they arre not then they dishonorr it, themselves, and the Jedi."

More introspective, the Padawan paused.

"Knight Loki put to me a challenge to rretrrieve my name."

She shook her head.

"And I failed."

[Serena Laran]

"Knight Loki comes from a very...martial way of thinking, Draiya. I fear that your ego is threatening to overwhelm any shred of good sense you have left." Serena sighed. "He should not have taken your weapons. Any lesson you need taught, it is my place to teach it to you. He overstepped the bounds of his authority, and is being punished accordingly.

"You, on the other hand, are a padawan. To fail against the Knight who teaches combat to others...is no failure at all. To expect to win, on the other hand, is the height of arrogance. Arrogance, ego - these have no place in a Jedi's heart."

[Draiya Naaianeya]

Arrogance

She'd been struck as savagely by Serena's words and felled more assuredly than any pummeling Abarai Loki could ever give. Draiya thought back on Loki's words before the end.

Draiya Naaianeya, you have found your limit. And that is the beginning.

Sudden realization on her face, and horror. He wasn't talking about mere physicality. He was seeing something more. He saw exactly what Serena now laid plain at her feet. A flaw more cancerous and fatal than any deficiency in her combat technique or physical weakness.

Bewildered eyes met Serena's.

"Help me. Please."

[Serena Laran]

Serena's eyes softened. "Of course, Draiya. That is what I am here for, to teach and guide you on your journey." She patted the padawan's leg. "You should rest. You may stay in the Center overnight, but I think you have some friends who'd like to visit."

[Draiya Naaianeya]

There was something strangely renewing about Serena's words. Draiya expected admonishment and blame for everything she had sullied and lost. Was this arrogance as well? Her entire worldview had been built upon something singular and driven. She'd devoted everything into honing the razor's edge. Far too much if she'd lost her grasp on what truth was and her understanding of reality. The most dangerous trap of an illusionist is to become lost in the illusion one creates.

"Masterr."

Draiya bade Serena to stop before she left. There was something important to be said.

"Rregarrding Knight Loki. You mentioned he was to be punished."

The Syragori drew her hand into her lap alongside it's opposite that rested in a cast.

"Beforre that punishment is rrenderred, may I speak on his behalf?"

[Serena Laran]

"There will be a Council meeting about the matter tomorrow. You may speak on his behalf...and your own." Serena smiled a little sadly. "Rest, Draiya Naaianeya. Your body needs to heal."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

The times that found her in the infirmary were usually to visit her brother, but now was different. Now found her slowly making her way through the main reception area, and on deeper into the treatment rooms. Which, to be honest were laid out in an open plan, with beds and trays of medical equipment dotting the interior landscape like islands of pain relief.

Clutched in her hands wasn't a small fistful of flowers, but something a bit more substantial; or at least, she hoped it was. It was a modestly wrapped, small box. The paper was left over from her own Life Day gift, that'd been meticulously unwrapped before being folded up and stored away for a time that she thought it'd be necessary. Now was one of those times, and the young Lupine had willingly cut out the necessary amount of bright red wrapping paper to wrap her gift.

Spying Master Laran, Teagan drew up in hesitation, unsure if she was intruding.

[Draiya Naaianeya]

"Teagan?"

Draiya replied drowsily as Master Laran made her departure. Again, her right hand rubbed at her eyes fastidiously.

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

"Hey."

Sidling up next to Draiya's bedside, Teagan looked down at her friend, making sure to speak in a hushed voice. A tentative smile was given, and she placed her free hand on the edge of the bed.

"You look like you got eaten by a Hutt."

[Draiya Naaianeya]

Draiya's free hand reached up, suddenly aware of the heavy bandages around her head. She already knew how bad the arm was.

"That bad, huh?"

She hadn't even considered the possibility of looking ghastly and disfigured at the end of it all. Insult literally upon injury.

"Teagan, I think I've made a mistake."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

She blinked, and setting the brightly wrapped gift on the side of the bed, Teagan gave a helpless shrug.

"Well, we all mess up sometimes."

She'd heard through the inevitable grapevine, about the fight between Draiya and Knight Loki. And while she herself would never consider doing such a thing, she also knew that the raven-haired Syragori girl was stubborn as a mule ox. The young Lupine tried to focus on the positive, small though it was.

"Least you can get a new gold tooth now, eh?"

[Draiya Naaianeya]

The Syragori's expression turned thoughtful. In her mind, there was a gulf between messing up and making a mistake. Master Serena's words still hung fresh on her mind.

To expect to win, on the other hand, is the height of arrogance. Arrogance, ego - these have no place in a Jedi's heart.

Her pride had impelled her on this collision course and had nearly undone every effort she'd made. Worse, it had involved Abarai Loki, a paragon of discipline and warrior's virtue who should be blameless.

At the mention of a tooth missing, Draiya's right hand moved to the swollen side of her face, a bit of surprise registering.

"That would explain the wadding."