9.108 - Prodigal Sons [Novgorod]

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

"That's what jI'm afrrajid of."

The felinoid captain looked down to his younger friend, concern etched plainly on his face.

"jIn the heat of the moment, jI don't have tjime to thjink jit overr rreally. jI gjive an orrder, and jit's done. But afterr? When therre's no longerr a thrreat and jI've got the tjime, jit all goes arround and arround agajin jin my head. Djid jI do enough? Djid jI do jit rrjight? What djid jI mjiss?

jI keep trryjing to balance an equatjion, Abarraji."

He sighed, returning to watch the duels before them.

"Even Corruscant. jI stjill thjink about jit everry goddesss-damned day."

[Abarai Loki]

"You are a good man, Cirr. But to become a leader of men you must reforge yourself into something hard, and sharp, and cold. It is in your nature to be inquisitive; so, when you make a mistakes, ask questions of yourself, and learn from them. But, under no circumstances, do you let remorse blunt your resolve. If that happens, you may as well raise a blaster to your comrades, and fire."

All the while, Loki allowed his eyes to track back and forth between the assembled padawans and his friend, wary of them overhearing such an intimate discussion. But something changed within him, he felt his Jedi pride stir, and the doubt he saw etched into his friend's face ignited a fire in his heart. Suddenly, Cirrsseeto was transformed before his eyes, he was no longer talking to the chipper mechanic snatched up in the tide of big things, he was a fellow warrior, a battlefield commander with the weight of worlds upon his shoulders. Loki wheeled around so that they were face to face, and reached up to clamp a hand on his shoulder.

"Somtimes, in battle, terrible things are asked of us. Black deeds that rally against the very fabric of our character. In those moments, a warrior must set aside his conscience, and act. Friends and allies become numbers. Compassion and doubt? The enemy! Because if, in those moments, you flinch, the numbers will grow, and the blood will be on your hands. That is the cost of compassion and doubt, the cost of hesitation, and it is too high a price. So, in those quiet moments when your choices come to haunt you, steel yourself with the knowledge that as captain it is your duty to act, and don't flinch."

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

Loki's words troubled Cirrsseeto, and he averted his eyes from his friend.

"jI don't get to exempt myself frrom bejing a cjivjiljized sentjient by puttjing on a unjiforrm. You'rre rrjight, jI have to act decjisjive, but jI'm not wjilljing to abandon myself fully to the ends and jignorre the means."

When he looked at Loki again, it was with a newfound understanding of the Jedi. He wasn't sure if he welcomed this familiarity. The very fact they could have this conversation at all represented some kind of abstract loss, and a philosophical defeat that happened in a place and time he couldn't comprehend.

"You arre an arr'uuhai, a brrotherr to me. But of everry converrsatjion we've had, jI drread thjis one the most. You told me long ago that jI should rrespect and underrstand my enemy jin a fjight. That parrt, jI haven't forrgotten. jI know who my enemy jis."

[Abarai Loki]

"I am glad you have taken my advice to heart. So, I implore you, do not fool yourself. A civilised sentient does not have the power of turbolasers, missiles, and starfighter squadrons. Did you really think, that when you assumed command of such formidable firepower, you could simply go on being the same old Cirrsseeto Raurrssatta? That is not a luxury afforded a man of your position."

Fierce eyes searched for the first glimmer of understanding, but conflict creased his friend's face, drawing battle lines against reason. It was becoming rapidly apparent that Cirrsseeto did not share his warrior's mentality, and that stung. Disheartened, Loki relinquished his grip and granted the hulking Cizerack some space. He was not a soldier, he was never trained to kill without remorse, or to shun the burden of the self in favour of the greater good. He was an engineer dressed up in a captain's costume, it wasn't his fault, but it was dangerous. Loki's face became grave.

"My friend, you do not want to hear this, but from the moment you put on that uniform you elected to shake off the emotional trappings of the individual and become part of something greater than yourself. One part of a well-oiled, and highly dangerous, machine. When you accept that, you will function exactly as a soldier's supposed to function, and your crew will be better for it."

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

And there was the divide between him and Loki. He knew it, the Jedi knew it. They were close friends, but separated by their own codes of honor. It was a strange paradox to be so near and so far.

"Do you beljieve we wjill everr see the end of all thjis?"

He allowed a moment for his question to be pondered, and then clarified.

"Warr, jI mean."

It was the Jedi's nature to be a peacekeeper, a guardian of others, but that life carried a committment without apparent end. When you expected eternal vigil, what did that say of your confidence in what you protected? He didn't know.

[Morgan Evanar]

"Probably waxing philosophical with Loki. He'll catch up, I'm sure." Morgan said. He wasn't fond of the terse Jedi. Morgan found him inflexible, and in some ways, nearly anti-social. Morgan's solution for Loki was primarily to avoid him, although he might be a good source of lightsaber instruction.

On the other hand he was a force for discipline and an excellent saber drill instructor. There had to be more to the young man, but there simply had never been the scenario where Morgan saw a need to interact with the hidebound Jedi beyond the minimum.

"But yeah, in Hutt Space, sometimes ships get weird names." Morgan said with a shrug.

[Abarai Loki]

"Do you beljieve we wjill everr see the end of all thjis? Warr, jI mean."

"This war, yes," he answered, with certainty, "But there will be other wars."

That much he accepted as a fact of life, not from his own limited experience, but from the annals of galactic warfare, and the selfish nature of people. There were times of peace, of course, but in the grand scheme of things, these times were fleeting. It was a sad truth, but the galaxy wasn't fit for men like Cirrsseeto Raurrssatta, good men. It took a world like Alderaan, a world of peace, and chewed it up and spat it out. Loki was from Alderaan, born a child of peace, and he was taken, and in the fires of battle was made a warrior. Then Alderaan was destroyed. The call of war, it seemed, had saved him. Abarai Loki was both a son of peace, and war. He accepted that, but in the eyes of his friend he saw the undying gleam of the idealist.

"There will always be wicked men, Cirr. And, as long as there are wicked men, there will be war. Peace... absolute peace, is an illusion, I think. But it is one worth fighting for."

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

He wanted to disagree with Loki's grim assessment, and to rebuke all thought of war's inevitable presence in their lives, and the very idea that he couldn't do it galled him. His ears inched back at the uncomfortable observation.

"Therre's someone close to me, Abarraji. jI, uh."

How could he explain this to his friend?

"jI'll fjight forr herr, jI'll pay whateverr cost jI have to pay. But we'll have ourr tomorrrow. jI rrefuse to beljieve that, when the tjime comes to gjive herr cubs, jit wjill be jin a galaxy that can only promjise them death.

You'll have no cause to doubt my rresolve."

[Ben Merasska]

"Oh. I stay away from Hutts. And I don't like spending too much time in Hutt Space. Too much goes unsaid in their contracts," Ben said, leaning back against the hull of the ship. "I don't much like a vibroknife in the back, and it's very tiring to be on the alert all the time."

He raised an eyebrow.

"Though I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised you're familiar with Hutt Space. Said you were slicer, right? Big money in that; especially from the Hutts."

[Morgan Evanar]

"Grew up on Nar Shadda, so yeah. Hutt Space is best left to Hutts, even for a stack of credits. I mean, you get used to it after a while, but generally speaking, the further from Hutt Space the happier I am." Morgan didn't mention the very large stacks of credits in secure accounts and various funds that he had stuffed away over the years. He checked on them every now and then to make sure they were still there, and periodically closed and created new accounts.

[Abarai Loki]

"jI'll fjight forr herr, jI'll pay whateverr cost jI have to pay. But we'll have ourr tomorrrow. jI rrefuse to beljieve that, when the tjime comes to gjive herr cubs, jit wjill be jin a galaxy that can only promjise them death. You'll have no cause to doubt my rresolve."

"I do not doubt you," he said, with unwavering certainty.

It wasn't difficult to detect the sincerity in Cirrsseeto's words, even if it meant wading through a swamp of sticky sentiment to find them. When he spoke of his partner, Lyanie, the bantha in the room, and the promise of their future, his words were steeled with tender conviction. It was fascinating to hear him talk that way. Long had he held a candle for the perky mechanic, there could indeed be no other to inspire such passion from him, and that they had at last established a relationship was a matter of some fleeting interest to the young Jedi. Still, he would not press the matter. Experience reminded him that Cirrsseeto became painfully shy about this sort of thing, so for the sake of sparing him before the padawans, he left it alone. Instead, he settled for an approving nod.

"It is good that, even out here, you have secured yourself a mate," he grimmaced at his own choice of words, and elaborated, "Companionship. Love. You deserve happiness, Cirr. I am pleased for you."

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

It felt really strange talking about this sort of thing with Loki, and Cirrsseeto kept a funny grin on his face at the thought of the young Jedi finally coming to grips with the birds and the bees. Preferably that lesson wouldn't be taught by his mother though! Not that she ever listened to him, but she took a delight in needling Loki whenever she could. It wasn't special treatment though, as she did that to most everyone.

"You want to jinspect my shjip?" He blurted out, a bit of the boyish pride bubbling back up to the surface once more.

[Abarai Loki]

The sudden change of subject surprised Loki, and inwardly, he wondered just how long Cirrsseeto had waiting to take that particular question off its leesh. There was no mistaking his unbridled enthusiasm and to deny him the opportunity to flaunt his new toy would be an indulgence in pointless cruelty. That, and he had no further commitments for the rest of the day.

"Very well," he said, with a nod, and led the way out of the cargo hold, "You have been gone a long time. For what sort of operations is the Novgorod deployed?"

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

A quickened step in his pace, Cirr led Loki back the way they came, and back toward where Morgan and Ben would be, as he explained their mandate.

"We'rre a fast attack corrvette, assjigned to the 422nd battle grroup jin the fourrth fleet, but we'rre usually on sorrtjie."

Catching his breath as he eagerly explained, he had to mentally note to shorten his strides to keep this convenient for the smaller Jedi.

"That means we patrrol openly and often deep jin jImperrjial terrjitorry. We look forr opporrtunjitjies to attack, rrajid, pjillage, and djisrrupt the empjirre wherreverr we can. Unless jI get superrcedjing orrderrs frrom my Battle Grroup, those orrderrs rremajin on the table. A perrk that allows me to, forr example, 'patrrol' to thjis vectorr."

[Abarai Loki]

"I see," he said, rather solemnly, and after a moment of reflection, added, "The freedom to bring the battle to the enemy, that is a rare gift. You are a shark in the water, my friend."

The rest of his thoughts went unspoken. There were times when he looked out of the viewport and saw a starfighter soar past or a freighter wink out of sight, and for a fleeting instant, he wished himself elsewhere. These were moments of weakness, when it was imperative to pin down one's selfish desires, and stamp them out. Still, there could be no denying that the padawan's would have much to gain from having solid ground upon which to exercise their skills. No-one ever said their situation was ideal. Turbulant thoughts lifted though, at the prospect of Cirrsseeto's next answer, and Loki glanced up, eager for the dirty details:

"And have you seen much battle?"

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

Cirr's ears lifted in time with the edges of his mouth in a cheshire's grin.

"Arr'uuhai, jif only you knew."

He rattled a few notable engagements off, extending a finger on his right hand for each one.

"Let's see, we bombed the jImperrjial walkerr factorrjies on Darr Akuz, then we played a decoy forr an enemy ljistenjing outpost nearr Terrmjinus, allowjing the rrest of our Battle Grroup to sneak thrrough and carrry out a surrprjise attack."

He saved the best for last, and gave a little pause.

"Oh, and we beat back the jImperrjial attack on Sullust."

[Abarai Loki]

"The Battle of Sullust!" he blurted, forgetting himself, "You were there?"

In recounting previous engagements, Cirrsseeto failed to spark the light of recognition in Loki's eyes, but everyone knew about the Battle of Sullust. It had been a terrible blow, devastating most of the orbital shipyards, but the attack was cut short once the unsuspecting allies rallied to mount a mighty defense. It had been a hard fought conflict that was both costly and stood as testament to the strength of Alliance metal. And the sudden revelation that his friend had been caught up in the middle of it left the young Jedi somewhat stunned.

"You're earning yourself quite the record of service. In light of which, it only stands to reason you took the opportunity to... patrol this vector. I'm glad you did."

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

He nodded knowingly.

"jI've defended the wheel beforre, and jI'm honorred to do jit agajin. Most of you arre a second famjily to me."

Cirr gestured to the young Jedi, changing the tone a bit.

"But jI know you'rre rready to do morre than sjit back and prreparre to mount a defense. Corruscant wasn't an end. jIt was a begjinnjing. You need to travel, Lokji, and soon. See how hungrry people arre out beyond forr hope. Therre arre trrjilljions out therre that need you."

[Abarai Loki]

"That is the idealist in you speaking," Loki said, knowingly, "Listen to the strategist. When the Empire is no longer in a position to pick us off one-by-one, the Jedi Knights will reclaim their rightful place, and there will again be hope. We will fight, of course, but in the here and now, the galaxy looks to men like you to usher in a new dawn."

It was a point he found himself making regularly. It was a hard truth, some, such as Corell Capstan, found it more difficult to accept than others. But for Loki, when it came to the Jedi, idealism was a poison that sought to infect and destroy everything for which they'd worked. And while his comrades struggled to find their place, he knew only too well his purpose in life, and it was not to bring hope. They turned a corner, and approached the boarding hatch with which the Novgorod was docked.

"The Jedi are not heroes. We are an endangered species. Our mission is to survive, and grow strong, so that when the time comes to strike, we will only have to strike once."

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

"And jin the meantjime, what?"

Abarai was pragmatic to the last, but sometimes it frustrated Cirrsseeto terribly.

"We rrun? We hjide? Abarraji, no djisrrespect to you orr to yourr orrderr, but therre arre a lot of good honest people out therre fjightjing and dyjing forr you...on that hope. They'rre carrryjing a lot of wejight. At thjis pojint jI'd say morre than the Jedji arre."

They understood each other, yet there was a gulf between them at times.

"Some don't even know the Jedji arre rreal. They all thjink jit's make-beljieve, and they go to bed rresjigned to thejirr fate. All jI'm sayjing jis don't underrestjimate hope. jIt has all the powerr that love has, when the opporrtunjity prresents jitself."